Whitney Houston and the Power of the Black Church

Last Saturday I sat with my family, the nation and the world. Glued to the TV, watching Whitney Houston's funeral on CNN. Whitney's mother Sissy wisely and obediently rejected the pull to turn the occasion into another showbiz spectacle. She brought her baby girl home to the New Hope Baptist Church, Newark, NJ, where it all began.

A global audience got a taste of the divine genius of African American worship at its best. And in the process, was introduced to concepts like 'Homegoing', 'REpast', and white clad nurses, standing in the aisle, at the ready to give a hand of comfort and assistance to the bereaved. A style of worship that is at once so distinct, yet so universal. A way of praising G-d that doesn't have to water itself down to be inclusive. Entertainment luminaries like Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keys, Kevin Costner and Clive Davis were totally comfortable sharing the dais with gospel greats Kim Burrell, Donnie McClurkin, and the Winans. More important than any of that, someone was introduced to Jesus. It was a worldwide revival meeting.

At a time when we're posting Facebook pages disavowing the term African-American and culturally ambiguous praise and worship music is holding sway, we stopped to celebrate one of our own in the fulness of our tradition, as only we can. A tradition born of the unique experience of a people, still pressing, still overcoming. So many of our young people are lost because we haven't taught them who they are and whose they are. So many young musicians are lost if you ask them to play a song that's not on the Billboard charts. There's still power and efficacy in the history and the heritage which spawned a unique manner of worship that got us through slavery, Jim Crow, segregation. We turn our back on that heritage at our peril.

British born CNN commentator Piers Morgan was clearly amazed as he got his first glimpse into a whole different world. Amazed that in the midst of such sorrow, there could be such joy. That's the Power of the Black church. A church that doesn't deny the difficulty of life, even as it attempts to rise above it. A church that, (in this case, at least), has held fast, and remained a beacon of light in a troubled community. A church where the pastor owns neither Rolls Royce or private jet. A church with hymnals in the pews. Here we saw the underpinnings of Whitney's greatness as an artist, and why she was so loved: Despite her success, despite her brokenness, she never stopped being that little girl in the choir stand.

Why You Can't Have or Keep a Quality Relationship with a GOOD Man Pt. 5

Too Available, too Soon

I know a woman we'll call Harriet. Harriet just doesn't understand men at all. Harriet wants to be married. She is quite attractive, and has never had any trouble getting a man's attention. Yet in her early forties Harriet is unmarried, with no prospects on the horizon, because she still hasn't learned the rules of the game.

Here's how it goes. She meets a guy. They go out. Have a good time. Harriet is feeling like this could be the one. By the second or third meeting Harriet has given up the goods, and then is shocked when they stop calling.

As I said in a previous post, men are about action. We are doers. It's why we climb mountains. It's why we build buildings, and businesses. It's why we strive for achievement in our chosen field of endeavor. G-d has hard wired us this way, so we could be His agents of change on the Earth.

 Cheapening Your Brand

Fair or not, men place women in categories. Potential long term mate, practice chick, kick it buddy, none of the above, etc. Because men are so achievement oriented, we tend not to value that which costs us little or nothing. A man values a woman who knows her worth. A woman who has things to do and places to go. A woman who isn't going for the okie-doke.

A GOOD man knows that a good woman is a treasure. A GOOD man doesn't go shopping for a life partner at the dollar store. If we know we can have you for the low price of a little time and attention and a few well placed compliments, you have relegated your brand to the bargain basement. And you will be treated accordingly.

If you are trying to brand yourself as a potential wife, get this: GOOD men don't marry women who make themselves too physically OR emotionally available, too soon. Corporations spend millions creating, perfecting and protecting their brands. Your brand is too valuable to throw away because you're too lazy or too scared to maintain it.

Why You Can't Have or Keep a Quality Relationship With a GOOD Man, Pt. 4

This post was written by special guest blogger, my wife, Sislena Grocer Ledbetter, Ph.D. Just a little confirmation from a woman's point of view.

Don't Let Sadie Hawkins Play You

Dr. Sis

I have a funny pastor. I mean sometimes, he doesn’t really mean to be. But, today in church, my pastor struck a chord which offered ripe material for this post. So, I changed my original thoughts and decided to share some thoughts based on today’s events. Today was Valentine’s or Love Sunday. Also, Pastor reminded us that this year is leap year; and, as the tradition goes, women can propose to men on February 29th– once every four years. So, in his typical cynical fashion, after the marriage ministry completed their Valentine’s Day tribute, Pastor asked the congregation, “How many of you want to be married?” Predictably, women’s hands began popping up like popcorn salted withechoes of giggles and squeals. I mean as if that were not enough, Pastor continued pressing, and then led an alter call for couples. But, he added, “If you want a mate (translation-man), you can come up and get prayer too.” I’m thinking, OMg!

Right about this time, my hubby catches the eye of one of his single lady friends. She is motioning and vacillating between the decision to go up or not go. Of course, my husband the funny guy waves to her as if to say, "come on girl and get your prayer on for your husband." She does. I’m thinking, seriously? I like her. And I wanted to pop the back of his neck! Don’t pimp my sister. Now, I’m not saying that praying for a husband is out of order, because it’s not. But, after raising your hand in church indicating availability, and then proceeding to the altar, a man who might have been remotely interested in you is totally turned off (petrified). I promise. It’s not even that you are all that eager. It just comes off that way. And, here is a news flash –the hint of being ready to walk down the aisle from “jump,” is just a scary thought for most men. It’s almost as bad as mentioning kids and marriage on the first date, because you want to “be real” and not “play games.” Whatever.

That’s not being real; that's a quick trip to the “practice girl” category. And it’s not even that the man isn’t ready to settle. But, if you come off too eager, he just won’t be. As in the previous posts, remember; men like to hunt. It is instinctual; there is no way around it. Don’t contemplate, just know, it’s a fact. Don’t steal a man’s thunder and yours by being such easy bait and accessible prey. And truly, you may be a perfectly solid sister with all of the right things in place. Consider this: relax, pray in private, get out of the house more (he is not coming to your door) and mingle in places where “available brothers” hang out (and that’s not always church)… Holla! The less you give up front, the more attractive you are. Let the hunt begin.

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Why You Can't Have or Keep a Quality Relationship with a GOOD Man Pt. 3

The Secret of Successful Negotiation

Not long after our second child was born, my wife and I decided to trade in the sedan for an SUV. After doing our research and taking several test drives, we settled on the make and model we wanted. It was a just released model by a top rated manufacturer, so they were selling several thousand dollars above the sticker price.

We went to the dealer and found the one we wanted. Then came the fun part, the negotiation. I told my wife that our strategy was simple. If the dealer didn't meet OUR price for the vehicle, we were simply going to get up and walk out. So the manager wrote his price on the sales sheet. I took his pen, crossed it out, and wrote the number we were willing to pay. He said he couldn't sell the car at that price. We headed for the door. Long story short, we drove off the lot that day in our new SUV, having paid our price.

Here's the secret: you wield much power when you're willing to walk away.

Here's why the men in your life keep disrespecting you: When he does something crazy you have an emotional outburst. You scream, holler, have a fit, maybe even cut him off...for a minute. It rolls off our back, because we know that if we wait and sweet talk you enough, you'll take us back. That is, until we mess up again, and then the cycle starts all over.

 Men respond to action, not emotion. In fact, the less emotion attached to your actions, the greater the impact.

One of the reasons my wife has my love AND respect is that early on, without any histrionics, she made it very clear that if I cut the fool, she would not hesitate to act in her own best interests.

"But I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuvded him!"

There comes a time when you have to set your emotions aside, difficult and painful as it is, and take action on your behalf.

Learn to Appreciate Your Own Company

Here's a dare: Go out on a date. Have a nice dinner, then enjoy a movie or concert. Then perhaps dessert or coffee. Have a good time.

Here's the catch- you need to do it alone.

If you've one of those women who would rather die than even consider going out by yourself, you are incapable of manifesting the power I'm talking about, and men know it. Think about it... if you don't enjoy your own company, what makes you think anyone else will?

Why You Can't Have or Keep a Quality Relationship With a GOOD Man, Pt. 2

YOU Set the Standard

There's something inside us men that makes us want to test the boundaries and limits of our relationships with women. Maybe we're looking for the same unconditional love we got from our mothers. Maybe we just want to see what we can get away with. See how much rope we have. We do it early, and we do it often. We probe. We take note of the responses, and we draw a bead on what we can get away with.

This is your opportunity to set the boundaries in a place where you will ensure you will get the respect you're looking for and deserve. This is your chance to set the parameters for a relationship that's healthy for both parties.

And this is where most women totally blow it.

Respect is Commanded, not Demanded.

Think on this: In the interactions between women and men, women have home field advantage. Whether asking for the first dance at a middle school party, up the intimate act itself, we have to come to you. You have the last right of refusal. No consensual interaction can take place without your say so.

That's tremendous power, but most women don't use it effectively.  Because we have to play in your sandbox, you get to set the standard. Most of you set the bar so low, we don't have to aim very high. Remember I told you that men are motivated by action and a sense of accomplishment. Give us something to shoot for, and we will. There's nothing so attractive as a woman who knows her worth. A GOOD man will try to be accountable to a standard of treatment such a woman sets, as well as his own personal standard. The ball's in your court, boo.

Next- The Secret of Successful Negotiation

Why You Can't Have or Keep a Quality Relationship With a GOOD Man

Everywhere I go I see them. In church. Friends. Associates. Women. Smart, attractive, educated. Single. And not by choice.

Or so they think.

You may know one. You may be one. These women form the bulk of my audience demographic, so they have a special place in my heart. And I felt it was time for me to tell you why you are having so much trouble cultivating the type of relationship you desire, with a GOOD man, from a GOOD man's perspective.

What qualifies me as a GOOD man? Well, I've been happily married for over 11 years. My wife is one of you: beautiful, brilliant, and accomplished. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with me, but I'm still here.

(I said good, not perfect).

One other thing: I love The Lord. As a music minister and Psalmist I'm doing this in a spirit of service. I won't beat anyone over the head with religion, but I will assume that if you're here, you're coming from the same place, spiritually. Do with it what you will.

So in honor of Valentine's Day, over the next week I'm going to share some things with you that I think you'll find helpful. I'm probably going to get kicked out of the boy's club for sharing these things with you, but that's OK. I haven't been a boy for some time now. A lot of what I say isn't even all that deep. Even if it doesn't apply to you, it may apply to someone you know, so share these posts with your  friends. And give me some feedback. I may be way off base here, so let me know if you find them relevant. Comments and input are greatly appreciated.

So with that said, let's get into it.


In Order to Have the Right One, Be the Right One

My wife and I preach this to our sons all the time. I've heard it said that if you want to know who a person is, look at who they hang with.  Do you find yourself repeatedly in situations you know are less than G-d's best? Do you find yourself in relationships where you are unfulfilled, disrespected, even abused? The difficult truth is, this is all a reflection of who you are, and what's going on inside you. It means there's work to be done. It may require prayer (always in order), shutting it down for a season, even counseling or therapy.

Desperation is not Cute

"What are you talking about? I AIN'T desperate!" You may have it going on on the surface. But late in the midnight hour you stare longingly at the cold sheets on the other side of the bed, wishing for a warm body to chase away the linen's chill. As the advance of time propels you on into your thirties and beyond, you wonder if you will ever have children, and if you already do, if you will ever have a man to help rear and protect them. You switch churches to find a fresh crop of eligible men. This emptyness causes you to do some things you don't want to do. And at the end of the day, you are left still alone, and even if you're not 'alone',  you're still unfulfilled.

You're always looking. Wondering. You've gotten to the point where you can 'turn it on' at the drop  of a hat. And any man that has most of his teeth, speaks in complete sentences and shows you any degree of attention gets the keys to the kingdom in short order. And when he's grown tired of playing in your garden, the phone goes silent.

And it happens over, and over, and over.

Why?

Because you're desperate.

Let me tell you something: Men can smell desperation in a women like dogs smell fear. And it elicits one of two responses: An opportunistic guy will take your desperation for all it's worth. A rooted and grounded brother will simply find it unattractive and keep you at arm's length. But even he may yield if you keep dangling the keys in his face.

"But I don't do that."

Are you calling him more than he calls you? Is everything on his terms? Are you making breakfast and picking out china patterns after the second date? I got news for you: You just played yourself.

I'll tell you something else about men: We are the hunters. The builders. The pursuers. If you give us nothing to work for, we quickly loose interest. And because you've become so desperate, you're afraid to elevate your standards. A GOOD man, one who cares about, values and respects you will step up. That's what we do. The others will step off. Either way, you win.

Tomorrow I'll tell you why you as a woman hold the power in a relationship (if you choose to use it).

Don Cornelius: Tragedy and Opportunity

Today we lost Don Cornelius. Creator of Soul Train, Cornelius was a trailblazer and a trendsetter. I remember watching the show as a child in the '70's. The music, dancing and styles defined a decade. Cornelius was the epitome of cool, with his baritone voice and laid back style. I once tweeted that I want to be Don Cornelius when I grow up.

The tragedy is that his death was an apparent suicide. The opportunity is that the Internet is humming with tributes, and discussions about depression. As one who has waged my own battle with depression I know what a destructive condition it can be. And I have long believed that there is an epidemic of unacknowledged, undiagnosed, untreated depression in African American men. The probable causes range from current economic conditions to the psychic echoes of slavery.

Whatever the case, this condition has been shrouded in a veil of silence and shame, amplifying its destructive influence. Perhaps the silver lining in the cloud of Cornelius' passing is that we will take the opportunity to get real about conditions like depression, and lift the veil of denial. I realize that my ministry is about more than playing music. Everywhere I have told my story I get brothers who say to me, usually in private, that they have suffered with depression themselves, and it was good to know that they weren't alone. The silence and shame is a form of spiritual bondage. It is a little scary to talk about a condition that is still so misunderstood, but shining the light of truth on my history of depression is part of my healing journey. And hopefully someone else will get a little healing in the process.