Why You Can't Have or Keep a Quality Relationship With a GOOD Man

Everywhere I go I see them. In church. Friends. Associates. Women. Smart, attractive, educated. Single. And not by choice.

Or so they think.

You may know one. You may be one. These women form the bulk of my audience demographic, so they have a special place in my heart. And I felt it was time for me to tell you why you are having so much trouble cultivating the type of relationship you desire, with a GOOD man, from a GOOD man's perspective.

What qualifies me as a GOOD man? Well, I've been happily married for over 11 years. My wife is one of you: beautiful, brilliant, and accomplished. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with me, but I'm still here.

(I said good, not perfect).

One other thing: I love The Lord. As a music minister and Psalmist I'm doing this in a spirit of service. I won't beat anyone over the head with religion, but I will assume that if you're here, you're coming from the same place, spiritually. Do with it what you will.

So in honor of Valentine's Day, over the next week I'm going to share some things with you that I think you'll find helpful. I'm probably going to get kicked out of the boy's club for sharing these things with you, but that's OK. I haven't been a boy for some time now. A lot of what I say isn't even all that deep. Even if it doesn't apply to you, it may apply to someone you know, so share these posts with your  friends. And give me some feedback. I may be way off base here, so let me know if you find them relevant. Comments and input are greatly appreciated.

So with that said, let's get into it.


In Order to Have the Right One, Be the Right One

My wife and I preach this to our sons all the time. I've heard it said that if you want to know who a person is, look at who they hang with.  Do you find yourself repeatedly in situations you know are less than G-d's best? Do you find yourself in relationships where you are unfulfilled, disrespected, even abused? The difficult truth is, this is all a reflection of who you are, and what's going on inside you. It means there's work to be done. It may require prayer (always in order), shutting it down for a season, even counseling or therapy.

Desperation is not Cute

"What are you talking about? I AIN'T desperate!" You may have it going on on the surface. But late in the midnight hour you stare longingly at the cold sheets on the other side of the bed, wishing for a warm body to chase away the linen's chill. As the advance of time propels you on into your thirties and beyond, you wonder if you will ever have children, and if you already do, if you will ever have a man to help rear and protect them. You switch churches to find a fresh crop of eligible men. This emptyness causes you to do some things you don't want to do. And at the end of the day, you are left still alone, and even if you're not 'alone',  you're still unfulfilled.

You're always looking. Wondering. You've gotten to the point where you can 'turn it on' at the drop  of a hat. And any man that has most of his teeth, speaks in complete sentences and shows you any degree of attention gets the keys to the kingdom in short order. And when he's grown tired of playing in your garden, the phone goes silent.

And it happens over, and over, and over.

Why?

Because you're desperate.

Let me tell you something: Men can smell desperation in a women like dogs smell fear. And it elicits one of two responses: An opportunistic guy will take your desperation for all it's worth. A rooted and grounded brother will simply find it unattractive and keep you at arm's length. But even he may yield if you keep dangling the keys in his face.

"But I don't do that."

Are you calling him more than he calls you? Is everything on his terms? Are you making breakfast and picking out china patterns after the second date? I got news for you: You just played yourself.

I'll tell you something else about men: We are the hunters. The builders. The pursuers. If you give us nothing to work for, we quickly loose interest. And because you've become so desperate, you're afraid to elevate your standards. A GOOD man, one who cares about, values and respects you will step up. That's what we do. The others will step off. Either way, you win.

Tomorrow I'll tell you why you as a woman hold the power in a relationship (if you choose to use it).